Ryan (thesolidone) wrote,

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I think I've spent most of my life in absolute fear of rejection. I mean no one likes rejection. But I think I’ve been absolutely terrified by the proposition. Probably a result of having too much pride in my intellect and an insatiable desire to be understood.  Accompanied by some creative power and an emotionally detached over-rationalizing mind I think that’s why I became entranced with music.  I provided the soundtrack to which people danced to but never danced myself so to speak. To tell you the truth I don’t think I’ve ever mustered the courage up to ask someone to dance.  People say how can that be? You can go up on stage wearing almost nothing playing for hundreds of people (Halloween II at Seylynn, anybody?) but you can’t ask someone to dance.  But as any performer will tell you being an entertainer, while an engaging position to be in,  is not nearly as personal as dealing with somone one on one.

Now obviously, I have done the asking in a lot cases. It’s almost impossible to be a male in society and not be expected to take on that role if you want anything.  Success in your work and personal life. But truth be told I never really had taken any risks. Every girl I have ever gone out with I’ve been completely sure they’d say yes. I probably had enough time before I asked to know them well enough to make projections on success.  Hence all the long relationships. I often wondered if they ever sat there thinking to themselves, when is this guy gonna make his move? How much more do I have to throw myself at him? Maybe shy is cute, but cowardice isn’t a trait reflected well in the stereotyped hunter and provider. And I would say I’ve let an equal number pass me by because I never took that risk to even find out. I imagine most of those would have been no’s anyway but I will never know.

And it’s not like I have never been rejected either.  I mean relationships fall apart. It’s like the 2nd law of thermodynamics.  It’s only natural for things to approach chaos as time moves on. It takes work and energy to maintain stability in any system.  I’ve had low moments where I’ve made desperate pleas, and times when stuff has just been thrown in my face (like my first show but that’s a different story).  I was denied back into university after failing a year. So like anything life has it’s ups and downs.  And it’s easy enough to spread blame around. Pure absolute rejection is a different sort of beast. Not as easy often to rationalize off.

So why write this all now? So I called up the girl from the restaurant in my last post up, and asked her see when she was available to meet up. I guess I hadn’t been clear enough so she asked me my intentions. Having just written that last post and being in that mood I did something uncharacteristic. Did a seize the day sort of thing. I told her she was absolutely gorgeous and I found her intellect captivating, both intriguing and alluring in a mysterious way, and that I would love to have the privledge of taking her out sometime. Yeah I know a little bit much but she’s a gemini (an astrological aware one at that) and I figured formalized word play would play to her wit and her obvious canned desire for something out Princess Bride. But apparently that was the wrong answer.   

Without getting into specifics and her reasoning was sound. I did about the stupidest thing possible. I just froze. It was like the rationalization engine just stopped working. I was well prepared for this outcome but I don’t think you can be completely prepared. I was able to throw out a few semi-cohererent phrases. I was still adding up stuff in my head when I vaguely hear “Bye Ryan.” And that was that. There is a bit more to this story but it’s still playing out and I will probably use it for a launching point of my next post which will probably be related to philosophy.

What I want to say is I was just rejected in the most common sense of the word and I feel great. So great I wouldn’t even thought it possible.  A bit of a contradiction I’d think. But it was like a slap to the face that was desperately needed. This is probably the best thing that could have happened. So afraid to ever be in that position it’s been over my head over a decade. It’s silly but it’s true. Ever since I was incapable of asking my first interest to dance at our grade 7 grad dance through the many girls I pined over, wrote songs about, and will never know. Or worse several probably did have some idea.  This has been the silliest fear I’ve held on to, much more so than my fear of rollercoasters, which I somewhat overcame about 4 years ago. More like I still don’t like them but I can go on them. 

Either way it wasn’t all that bad.  And she will probably never know this. I know this is a bit of strange post but this feels like the biggest perspective change I’ve had in a long time. Tying in roughly with all the other recent changes. It's good to be alive.

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